Dear Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,

I have been wondering what I would say to you if I could. My dad has been helping me try to piece together where you are buried. He asked a genealogy group for any information and found out that there was a newspaper announcement relating to your funeral and death that said it was a ‘private burial’. My dad explained to the person who offered information that I was looking into this from a ‘women’s issues’ angle. I am now questioning whether this is a ‘women’s issues’ angle — I don’t believe it is. I think it is a cancel culture issue that our society has looked away from. People who have mental illness or even neurodiversity (you won’t recognise that terminology) are difficult for society to understand so, instead of pressing on to understand, our society has a history of packaging up a metaphorical box with the issues inside and putting the box somewhere on a shelf where it isn’t looked at.

I would have liked to have known who you were. I don’t remember Grandad speaking about family at all. I don’t blame him and I don’t know what feelings he had about being fostered. He must have had feelings of rejection that his family couldn’t cope looking after him and his sister, Anna, and that she was chosen to stay. And I wonder if he felt guilt that his birth had caused his mother to be admitted to hospital (whether he knew this was a hospital for those with mental illness or not).

I want to say I wish your story had been talked about more in my childhood. I am so sorry that your mental illness was dealt with in a way that isolated you from your family and your children. This breaks my heart. I am not ashamed of being your descendent and I am not ashamed of your mental illness. I recognise darker moments and thoughts when I had my children and I recognise mental load in my life now. I have moments when I can’t suppress my sadness and I am likely to be very tearful. I am a sensitive person but I am pleased that my period of history doesn’t look down upon emotions and hide them away. I don’t know what combination of mental illness and hormones this exactly equates to but I am pleased I have friends I can talk to about my feelings.

I am hopeful that in St. George’s Hospital you too had these friends, and positive moments filled with light. I hope that you didn’t feel abnormal but that you found ‘you’. I am wondering whether your husband, Thomas Patrick, visited you, whether Anna visited you. I don’t know how to feel about the fact that you lived there for 48 years until you died. I don’t know if you were happy and settled there, whether it was a ‘safe’ place and I wonder whether you were able to empathise with other women because of your experiences.

I have found that you were admitted twice after the birth of each of your children. I know on the 1939 record you are listed as residing at St George’s and having ‘domestic duties’ rather than being ill. I wonder if you ever tried to leave and return ‘home’.

Dear Gertrude, I am still searching for you.

With love,

Heather